Thoughts of Chairman Dave

Alright then, he didn't actually think them up, but he did organise them for you, so there.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

I trusted my government and now I glow in the dark.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day - teach a man how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer.

Heart attacks are God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

I want to live forever. So far, so good.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

43% of all statistics are made up.

I don't like insurance companies. I get the money when I die but they get to use those beautiful office buildings while I'm still alive.

Some people have a way with words. Others not have way.

I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mother I don't even look at other mothers. I don't go, "Ooh, I wonder what her macaroni cheese tastes like?"

Men do cry - but only when assembling furniture from Ikea.

I've taken up meditation. I like to have an espresso first to make it more challenging.

I wonder how long you'd be on hold if your call wasn't important to them?

Veni, vidi, velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

When somebody gives me a flyer in the street, I always think they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people - what's the worst thing that could happen?

I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Some people leave their radios on when they go out to give the impression the house is occupied. Burglars have a name for this. They call it background music.

Why do motorcycle gangs wear black leather?
Because white chiffon wrinkles too easily.

When you mix flour and water together you get glue. When you add eggs and sugar you get a cake. Where does the glue go?

Life is hard - compared to what?

When you are around thirty-five years old, something terrible always happens to music.

Rehab is for quitters.

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free - you either married it or gave birth to it.